As a psychologist who lives just miles from the Annunciation Catholic School/Church in Minneapolis where a horrific shooting occurred this week, I offer this blog in support of parents everywhere. Our Minnesota summer began with the murders of former Minnesota House of Representative Speaker Melissa Hortman and her husband, Mark, and the shooting of State Senator John Hoffman and his wife, Yvette. And now, the first day back to school for these Annunciation School children begins with violence…an event having ripple effects across communities throughout the country.
There are obviously many complex layers of such violence, and the families and school personnel directly affected need tremendous support. While there are also multiple political and societal issues involved that are beyond the scope of this blog, I focus here on supporting parents in talking with their children.
In my psychotherapy practice this week, I look into my clients’ frightened and overwhelmed eyes, many of whom are parents. I see the faces at the vigil Wednesday night, reflecting the terror and grief of thousands. The fear in people’s eyes and hearts is palatable. Parents ask me what to say to their children. Of course, there are no easy answers… but psychological science does offer some wisdom and recommendations.
Although some of these tips may sound like common sense, I hope they are helpful reminders to the many parents looking for guidance today and in the weeks ahead.
- Listen more than you talk. Ask your children what they already know and be prepared for tough questions. It’s OK if you don’t know all the answers. Especially with young children, keep explanations short and direct, and avoid sharing graphic details or images.
- Limit media consumption, both for yourself and your children. With our 24/7 news cycle, it can be tempting to continually check for updates. However, doing so can keep our nervous system activated and our spirits on edge.
- Remember that your children may be quite attuned to your emotional reactions. Take time to process and grieve and get support yourself before talking to your children. Also, consider trying to have adult conversations in times and places your children cannot hear, as overhearing these discussions can be confusing and scary.
- Emphasize your house as a safe place and focus on what your child’s school is doing to keep them safe. Remind your kids that you’re there to help them feel supported and safe no matter what.
- People of all ages may experience a range of serious emotions, such as shock, anger, confusion, helplessness, fear, and sadness. It’s common for people to lose their appetite, struggle to sleep, be teary or irritable, and have a hard time keeping up with work or school. Usually these pass in 1-2 months, but reactions vary depending on the specific person and situation. If you or your children continue to feel very overwhelmed and unable to maintain daily activities, consider reaching out for professional help. Great resources for finding a mental health professional include pediatricians, family physicians, school counselors, clergy, and online search tools such as Psychology Today.
- Realize this is an opportunity to practice being with uncertainty…for everyone. There truly are no easy answers and the shock and grief are real. Check in with your children (and loved ones) over time, and keep the dialogue open.
- Take good care of your own spirit in whatever way helps you move through your grief, pain, and distress. This is probably the very best thing you can do as a parent!
- Remember you are not alone. If engaging in advocacy feels helpful to you, now or in the future, consider expressing your voice. Avoid isolating, as we humans tend to heal in community.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
