Think back to the last time you told your partner what you wanted in bed. Did it feel exciting, awkward, or maybe a little of both? Most of us know that good sex thrives on communication, but the truth is, not every conversation brings us closer. Some create intimacy, while others can unintentionally create distance.
New research sheds light on exactly which types of sexual communication invite a sense of connection versus distance. The kind that not only improves sex and mitigates problems but also brings you closer together as a couple.
The Power of Sharing Turn-Ons
The key finding in this new study is that sharing your turn-ons strengthens intimacy and satisfaction, while focusing on turn-offs can sometimes backfire. Discussing what excites us is so powerful that it not only enhances sexual satisfaction but also brings couples closer together more generally by improving intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction.
By contrast, focusing too much on dislikes may create distance or reduce satisfaction. In other words, not all sexual self-disclosure is created equal.
It’s important to clarify precisely what it means to share your sexual likes. In this study, participants who shared what they wanted more of, what they liked, or fantasies they wanted to explore reported higher sexual satisfaction and intimacy than couples who didn’t. They often framed sexual feedback as things they’d like to try instead of something else they found less pleasurable.
Additionally, this study found that couples who shared their sexual likes didn’t just enjoy better, more satisfying sex. The impact, in fact, was so significant that it extended beyond the bedroom, leading them to report feeling closer and more seen by each other, and to indicate overall greater relationship happiness.
Psychologists have long demonstrated that progressive self-disclosure, which involves sharing personal details gradually and in increasingly more depth, fosters feelings of closeness and connection. The effect is so strong that it can even be replicated in lab settings between strangers.
For women, the benefits of sharing personal likes went even further. Women who shared their turn-ons experienced fewer sexual difficulties, in particular those linked to sexual pain or inability to reach orgasm. The effect was less pronounced for men, likely because ejaculation tends to be more physiologically automatic, whereas women’s orgasms depend more on trust, communication, and partner responsiveness. In short, talking about turn-ons can be especially powerful in helping women achieve pleasure and offers an effective way to close the orgasm gap.
The bottom line: Telling your partner what excites you isn’t just fun, it’s scientifically proven to improve your sex life.
The Risk of Focusing on Turn-Offs
Emphasizing what you dislike is more complicated, as the study found that highlighting dislikes was associated with lower intimacy and relationship satisfaction. This may be because dislikes can easily sound like criticism, which often leads to defensiveness and a sense of distance.
This echoes decades of relationship research. John and Julie Gottman’s famous “Four Horsemen” model identifies criticism and contempt as major predictors of relationship breakdown. So it’s not surprising that sexual communication follows the same pattern: Turn-ons build intimacy, while focusing too much on dislikes risks chipping away at it.
When Sharing Dislikes Is Essential
Of course, there are times when it’s absolutely necessary to speak up about what you don’t like in bed:
- When sex causes physical pain
- When something feels unsafe or violates your boundaries
- When engaging in riskier practices like kink or BDSM, giving a clear “yes” and “no” list is essential
In these situations, talking about turn-offs isn’t nitpicking. It’s about consent, trust, and safety. Framed as boundary-setting rather than criticism, these disclosures are crucial.
The Role of a Responsive Partner
Communication doesn’t happen in a vacuum. How your partner responds can be just as important as what you share. The study found that responsiveness, specifically listening, showing care, and adapting, amplified the benefits of hearing likes and softened the risks of hearing dislikes.
For example, women who disclosed fewer likes but had highly responsive partners reported sexual function on par with those who disclosed more. In other words, when your partner creates a safe, supportive space, even difficult conversations become less risky.
How to Talk About Sex Without Killing the Mood
So, how do you put this into practice?
Choose the right moment. Bigger conversations about fantasies or completely new things you’d like to try often go better outside the bedroom, when you’re not as vulnerable. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t communicate during sex. You should absolutely use sighs, moans, and gentle requests. But save bigger talks for when you both feel relaxed and safe.
Ask open-ended questions to spark connection:
- “What’s something you’d like more of in bed?”
- “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”
- “What’s the best sex we’ve ever had?”
- “What drives you crazy that you want more of?”
Share your turn-ons openly and enthusiastically. If you need to express a dislike, frame it in the context of what would feel better instead. “I like it better when you…” lands much more softly than “I hate when you…”
And remember, some dislikes are essential to share, especially those involving pain, safety, or boundaries. In those cases, clarity is caring.
The Takeaway
Talking about sex with your partner has the power to strengthen your bond and improve your sex life. The key is balance: Emphasize your turn-ons, share dislikes thoughtfully, and when necessary, nurture responsiveness in each other.
Handled well, these conversations don’t kill the mood. They do the opposite by building trust, deepening intimacy, and keeping passion alive.
