Scroll through TikTok or any other social media platform, and you’ll see thousands of posts touting the latest parenting style, such as “gentle parenting” or “FAFO parenting.” But according to a recent study, there’s another parenting style that helps a child thrive: affectionate parenting.
For this study, researchers studied data from over 2,000 identical twins from birth until they turned 18. The children of mothers who showed their twins more “affection” and “warmth” were more open, thoughtful, and even-tempered as adults. These results suggest that “affectionate” mothering, such as empathy and attunement, influences a child’s development across their lifespan.
According to the researchers, “positive maternal parenting” may foster resilient personality characteristics, such as openness, thoughtfulness, and agreeableness. Years of psychological research suggest that these traits are connected with well-being in relationships, work, and physical health.
Affectionate parenting can also be thought of as “attunement.” Attuned parents tend to their children’s emotional worlds and “see” them for who they are. It’s a building block of secure attachment.
Unfortunately, many of us were raised with parents or caregivers who did the opposite. When we were sad, they may have said, “Stop all of your whining, or I will give you something to really whine about.” Or when we got angry, perhaps they said, “What is wrong with you? Stop being a drama queen!”
Parents who utter these words are often repeating the wounds of their childhoods. But it’s never too late to forge a new path forward. Education in emotions helps us get there. In my new book, Parents Have Feelings, Too, parents learn how to name, validate, and work through their own emotions, empowering them to help their kids do the same. It’s the bread and butter of family wellness.
Emotional attunement affects a child’s brain development. When parents attune to their child’s emotions, neural networks support the development of emotional skills and effective communication. Even if you did not grow up with parents who were attuned to your emotions, it’s never too late to break old patterns. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to change, no matter how old we are.
We can begin by flexing our self-awareness muscles. Try to answer these questions:
- Growing up, how did your parents respond to your emotions, especially when you felt sad, angry, or anxious?
- How does this influence the way you respond to your own emotions, as well as your child’s emotions today?
For example, I grew up in a home where my emotions were shut down and often judged. My mother was merely repeating the way she had been treated—reacting instead of reflecting. Her responses taught me that emotions burden others and should be kept private, like secrets. It wasn’t until I studied psychology and began therapy in my late teens that I found a new path forward.
The best way to prevent the transmission of childhood wounds and trauma is to heal ourselves. Education in emotions helps us get there. Affectionate and attuned parenting is one building block. And we can learn this skill, just as we can learn to play a musical instrument or take on a new hobby. It’s never too late to become the type of parent you want to be.
