Married… Not Anymore.
Beth vividly recalled the day her life changed. She wished she could forget the day she lost the assurances and familiarity that she’d held for the last 10 years. It didn’t matter who said the word first as they had both tossed it out at several times of discontent. Arguing. Tired. Mad.
Neither of them really thought the word would stick. It would just hang there in their cloud of tension until that tension was resolved, and then it would fade away. But one day, it didn’t fade away. It stuck. Divorce. “Maybe we should get a divorce.” Stated not as a threat or tentative question as it had been in the past. Stated instead as a fact. On that day, there was such a strength and permanence to a word they had so carelessly uttered in the past that they both knew their lives were about to shift.
The divide that existed between them was about to grow, become structured, and alter their definition of togetherness. Beth pondered, “Does anyone know how scared I am? Is it “normal” to feel both panic and relief at the same time? She vacillated between the fear of letting go of the past and fear of the future and what awaited her. Divorce isn’t a new occurrence. Couples divorce all the time. She had even joined in conversations and offered support for friends who were in the throes of their own personal circumstance. But this was different. This was her, and she couldn’t recall the “great advice” that she’d dished out in the past.
Holmes and Rahe has a stress scale that lists divorce as the second most stressful life event, second only to the death of a child or spouse. There isn’t any coincidence in that. Divorce is a death; death of a relationship, death of a dream, death of familiarity, death of companionship, death of intimacy. It doesn’t matter whether the decision to divorce is a good one, necessary even. It doesn’t matter whether you are the initiator or receiver of the demand. It doesn’t matter whether you are excited, nervous, or fearful about the end of one season and beginning of another. It doesn’t matter whether you embrace the adjustments or resent them. The fact of it all is that now you are facing a newness that you didn’t expect or intend. Indeed, divorce feels like death; and just as with death of an individual, in the death of a marriage you may crave support that you neither know how to ask for or how to receive. You need your girls, your family, your friends to help you through.
You may be like Beth and are just entering the dance that’s called divorce, or perhaps you are a seasoned veteran still dealing with the fallout of what can be the ugliest of times between two people who once professed infinite love. Maybe you are an overcomer who went through it, got through it, and are now living your best life, or even yet, perhaps you are happily married. Life is good. Divorce is not even a distant thought, much less an utterance. Whatever your circumstance, judgement is unwelcome, empathy is free, and listening is precious. Be present for one another, and if you have nowhere to go, Exodus 17_12 is here for you. Let us know you need support and we’ll be the community for you.
Be blessed.