Scenario 1:
We’re married. We have sex all of the time… I mean, we’re married, so of course we do. But I didn’t want to that night. I was tired, frustrated, and honestly a little bit annoyed with him. He wanted to have sex. I didn’t. And I told him that. I said no, I pushed him away, but he wouldn’t resist. He said he could get me in the mood. That wasn’t the point. I didn’t want to be in the mood. I didn’t want to have sex with him. But he did. We did. In the back of my mind, I feel like it was all wrong. I feel like in that moment I had no control. I feel like I was raped. Can you be raped by your husband?
Scenario 2:
I knew when I left the house that all eyes would be on me. I was wearing that outfit. The one that makes me feel and look sexy. The one where I feel powerful and confident. It was going to be a good night. When my girls and I arrived at the party, I didn’t disappoint. All eyes were definitely on me. But there was one guy who caught my attention as well. We danced. We talked. We flirted. We drank (truthfully, I drank a little too much). We clicked. As the party stated to wind down my friends wanted to leave, but he said he’d take me home, I’d be fine. And he was sooo cute! We seemed so connected early on. I just felt like I could trust him, so I told my friends to go ahead. I’d get a ride home with him. They left, but he and I continued to dance, talk, flirt, and drink. And that’s all I remember. The next morning, I woke up with a pain in my head that felt like someone was driving a stake between temples. I could smell and taste the sourness of my own vomit, and there was a stickiness between my legs.
Without even looking, I knew what it was. Semen. Had I slept with him? Where was he now? Why did I feel so bad? What happened after my friends left? I had more questions than answers, but one thing I knew for sure. I did not remember sleeping with him.
Scenario 3:
I don’t know why some say that there are no good people in the world. I believe that if you give goodness, if you’re friendly and well-meaning, friendliness and goodness will return to you. So, I try to be nice. Take my neighbor down the street, for instance. He’s just a really good guy. Great dad (I see him playing with his kids in the yard all of the time), wife seems happy… And he pitches in around the neighborhood. He’s always helpful to other neighbors, doing little things like offering to carry groceries inside, and shoveling walkways. People like him make me feel safe and restore my belief that good does exist. Until it didn’t. The day that he rang the bell and I saw him through the window I didn’t hesitate to swing open the door, smile and say hello. He mentioned that he locked himself out of the house and didn’t have his cell phone, he wanted to use my phone to call his wife to meet him with a key. Of course! I let him in and began to lead him to the phone. I didn’t expect what came next as my back was turned to him. While I walked down the hall, the vice grip he used to wrench me around the neck was so forceful. My mind was spinning as I was flung into the wall and slid to the floor. When I looked up, it was no longer the peaceful man who I thought I knew, but a complete stranger. What he took from me on that day robbed me not only of sex, but also destroyed my belief in the goodness of people.Each of these scenarios present a situation of rape. And this isn’t an exhaustive view of what constitutes a rape. Simply put – No means No. Sex is an engagement where you must consent. Married, dating, flirting, stranger, acquaintance, friend, same sex, military… You must consciously agree to the act of sex for it to be OK. If you didn’t or can’t remember, it might be rape.
How each state defines rape varies to some degree, however there is one common thread regardless of
what state you’re in. Consent determines whether an act criminally occurred. And there are essentially three ways that consent is analyzed:Capacity to consent – where you able to provide consent, consciously and legally?
Freely given consent – did you give consent freely without coercion or threat? Affirmative consent – did you express actions or words that support your agreement or consent to sex?
Scenario 4:
We’ve been dating for a while. Sometimes our relationship is off and on, but we always get back together. Our connection is magnetic. Whenever we’re together we have the best time. I can relate to him better than I’ve ever been able to relate to anyone. And cherry on the cake – we have amazing sex. It’s just a matter of time before he pops the question. Or at least that’s what I thought. We went out for dinner and a movie. I thought I’d bring up the subject, since he seemed too shy. Maybe he didn’t know that I was leaning in that direction. But when I mentioned marriage, I could see the color drain from his face. He stuttered, he cleared his throat. He told me that he didn’t feel that way. He thought we were just having fun. Why would I want to ruin it? That night we had sex. I hated myself for sleeping with him. How could I be so wrong? I’ve invested so much time and emotion into him, and all he’s doing is having fun! I shouldn’t have slept with him. He doesn’t deserve me. Even though I did it and it seemed right at the time, looking back I shouldn’t have given him my body again. Can I say he raped me?
No! Regretful sex is not rape. Please read through the scenarios above and the many others that exist. Read how those women were deprived of their control. How they were unable to make the decision not to have sex. Scenario 4 offers perspective of a woman who willfully participated in the act of sex, but later wished that she hadn’t. That’s not rape. That’s regret. Although it can be tempting to confuse the two, doing so creates an injustice to those victimized, those representing victims, those investigating true acts of violence against women, and those rallying against this act.
Based on a survey conducted in 2010 by the Centers for Disease and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, one in five women will be raped at some point in their lives; and the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, National Institute of Justice shares that in 8 out of 10 cases of rape, the victim knew their perpetrator.