I’m overwhelmed.  I can’t do all of this.  How did I allow myself to get so bogged down???  I’m bound to fail at something, because this is just too much!  Have you ever had that conversation with yourself?  I know I have.  Many times.  You’d think I would have learned the art of saying “no” by now, but it still feels like a delicate art that I can’t quite comprehend.  In order to get closer to the how-to’s (I’d love to say “mastery of”, but that seems too lofty of a goal), in order to get closer to the how-to’s of saying no, I chose to default back to what I do best.  I look for root cause.  I peel back the onion.  I unpack the box in search of the gem that explains it all.

“Can you host the next get together with the family?  You have such a nice home, and you’re a great cook!  We’ll pitch in where we need to.”

“I have a few people who I’d like you to meet.  They’re awesome people who just need a little extra guidance.  Do you mind spending a little bit of time with them?  I’m sure it will be a win-win.”

“It’s been so long since we’ve hung out!  I have contacts at the comedy club and they say Dave Chapelle is making a surprise visit this weekend.  Let’s plan to go!”

Alone, none of these invitations are burdensome.  They are extended perhaps with the purist of intentions and only allude to the desire of others for your time.  But what if they come all at once, when you already have other things in motion, or you just don’t have capacity mentally, physically, or otherwise; yet you find yourself saying yes to each one (while on the inside silently cringing).

Why did you do that???  Why did you say yes?

For each one of those scenarios, when I peel back the onion, I see one consistent factor…  ME.

I want to be a dependable family member.

I want to be a helpful community citizen.

I want to be a good friend.

The problem is, my saying yes to all of those things puts me no closer to achieving what compelled me to say yes in the first place!  If I’m tired, if I’m conflicted, if I’m reluctant, if I’m overwhelmed, and if I’m not being true to my own energy then I can’t give my best!  If I’m not in touch with the best me how can I give that to you?

II Corinthians 9:7 (NLT) says “you must each decide in your heart how much to give.  And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure.  For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.”  If I’m not cheerful in the giving of my time why am I giving at all?  So, when I unpack the source of my discomfort, it’s not that too many people demand my time, and the requests are unfair.  It’s that I want to be “there” for the people who need me, and that need feeds the vicious circle.

My road to learning to say no starts with acknowledging why I want to say yes in the first place and taking assessment of whether I can truly deliver the best me.  Am I giving grudgingly?  When I define my motivations and needs, I’ll be better able to create boundaries that honor my time, my capacity, and my energy levels.  What follows will be me showing up when I can give my best.  That’s when I’ll be a cheerful giver.